Sunday, November 17, 2013
Friday, March 11, 2011
Now the only stipulation is....you have to KEEP on giving it. The act of giving respect can never end. Hard to do? Yes I know.
Monday, March 7, 2011
So many women around me are constantly wondering why they aren't married or in a relationship. And many of those women aren't willing to listen to the truth of the matter. They would rather pin it on men. Lazy non commitment havin' men. When really THEY are the problem. I posted this link hoping that as many women as possible will read it and learn.
You can find the link here.
You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.
You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.
Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.
Well, I know why.
How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.
I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.
But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.
1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.
2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.
Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.
That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.
4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."
You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.
5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.
Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.
Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.
I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.
Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will not be doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
Tracy McMillan is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Her memoir I Love You and I'm Leaving You Anyway is now available in paperback from Harper Collins/It Books. She lives in Los Angeles with her 13-year-old son. Follow her on Twitter.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
The View of course is a parade of Egos. An endless Carnevale. You think the Latin communities know how to put on a show? Have you see daytime TV?? Not sure why Barbara, Joy, Sherri, Whoopi and Elizabeth aren't in thong one pieces with sequins and feather headdresses. At least then the guys at home could enjoy the show!
But what shocks and appals me most about TV durning this time of day is the amount of anti-male, and misandrist commercials. The new Kraft commercial with Ted Williams has the kid at the end of the commercial saying, "Dad really screwed this up!", because dad brought a client home for dinner and forgot to text mom. I thought to myself, "wow, that's crap". They will never mention that it's dad who puts the Kraft on the table. Let's go even further! They wont mention it's dad who bought the table to put the Kraft on, nor will they mention that it's dad who bought the house that the table resides. So as far as I'm concerned, mom needs to turn that frown upside down and put something better on the table then some crappy Kraft macaroni to keep this client. I'm thinking break out that Angus steak you got for Christmas in the down stairs freezer, lay out good China, and pop open that expensive wine you were saving for your 10th wedding anniversary! Cuz if dad doesn't get this client, there's a good chance dad might not have a job. And you wont have a crappy Kraft dinner, a table or a house and mom wont get her vacation in Thailand! The women who watch this crap just fall right into it. They want to emulate whats on the boob tube. Be angry and trivial because the square box says so! I could go on with tons of spider webbing but I'm sure you don't have time for that. Let me quit bitchn' and moanin'.......
Here you go, Another nail in the coffin.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The full effects of feminism are coming to light. It's as if and atomic bomb has gone off and I'm the only survivor left unscathed. As I stand alone surveying the damage, the carnage, the wreckage, all I can do weep. There is nothing, and no one left to save.
I've all but come to terms with spinsterhood, the only thing I wont do is get a cat. Might get a dog. You see I've spent the last 2 years as a singleton. Having left a relationship of 3 years, I need that time away to heal and prepare myself for another. The time has been well spent and I feel more than ready to enter another relationship. My problem however is finding a man who is on the same page as me. The dating scene is a complete horror show. And no I'm not going to say there are no good men, there are plenty of wonderful, down right fabulous men. But they have been cut up, used up, abused, mocked, lied to, and basically abandoned by so called women. Women who enjoy and would love to see the male sex wiped out, or shriveled up in a corner crying somewhere. Women who want men to pay for history's "abuse" of women. Women who think it's funny to talk shit about their husbands, to take a man to the cleaners, to lie about paternity. I am so sick of your shit ladies, there is absolutely no excuse for your behavior! I feel no pity for the woman who cries there are no available men, because you're same woman who screams "GIRL POWER" and "I don't need a man". When you lie alone in your bed at night crying, I hope it sinks in. I hope it hits home so hard it rocks you to your core. You're miserable and alone because you chose it. You choose not to see the truth, the destruction of the natural bond between men and women. Right now I have no pity on you, someday in the future, sure. I'll pray about.
Anyway, back to the men. There are plenty of great guys out there. In fact, I met one just a few weeks ago. And well I'm quite smitten with him. He's exactly what I need. But, just like the ones before him(about 10), he tells me he's not ready. His last relationship(5 years) left him thousands of dollars in debt. Girlfriend left him for someone she thought was better. No doubt he had a part in the demise of the relationship. It takes two. I know. Now he no longer trust women. Can't say I blame him. So here is this great guy, and there are more of them, opting out. No desire to have anything to do with women. My heart hurts for him, and men like him. Living in a world where it's not safe to do what's natural. A world where just being a man gets you prosecuted, no questions asked.
Ladies the reason why we can't seem to find a man to have a relationship with is because we make them miserable, we have made ourselves undesirable. You can sit here and deny it all you want but it's the truth. You have created your pain by accepting feminism as your mantra. Now you have live with it. As well as I do.
So tonight my heart aches for all those men who are stuck in a world that no longer sees your value, a world where you are to be hunted and destroyed. And for you "Super girl", "Wonder woman", I hope karma gets you.......good. A barren womb I think is an appropriate punishment.
P.S. I think this blog is going to become a bitchn' blog! lol